|A Canary's Eye View Challenges|
|The Spiritual Challenge
of A Canary's-Eye View
Making this site about my health presents a spiritual dilemma of its own.
Doctors tell parents to warn their children when they start the teenage growth spurt, not to dive into water they have dived into all their lives. Teenagers grow so fast that the body image specifically the sense of how tall they are doesn't keep up with reality, and serious head injuries are common from diving into water that's no longer deep enough for them.
In order to take better care of myself, I learned to be very conscious of how I treat my body. I let myself grieve for my lost health, and consciously cultivated an image of myself as disabled. This has helped. But it's been four years now, and my body image has still not caught up. I wonder whether it will. I have developed a lot of discipline, and a routine that serves me well, but I still keep discovering myself "forgetting" and doing something I know is likely to hurt me. There's no question I am "in denial."
The other side of the coin
However there's also a problem with insisting too much. Identifying with poor health is dangerous, too. I have always been an exhibitionistic person: in psychotherapy, for example, I would "perform" for attention, rehearsing a "problem" repeatedly, in more and more detail, because the therapist gave me attention for it. Of course that just increased my identification with the "problem"!
A middle path
It's an important line. Attachment to suffering I don't need. I don't want this site to contribute to that. I am using this site to record information that I can point people to, so I don't have to say it repeatedly. I want to offer information which might be useful to other canaries, and to let others know how life is for us. I hope that will contribute to less blaming the victim, and more compassion.
Catherine, 5 October 2000